So you’re Asian and they leave no opportunity unused to remind you that you’re one. But what troubles is actually far from just being reminded of it. You’re Asian and you’re recognized as a different species altogether with no uniqueness of an individual. You’re like even dogs have breeds but Asians. So if you’re an Asian you are sure to recognize with these stereotypes, and I’ve been stressing so much on being an Asian because I am an Asian and glad enough to be one but I have been reminded in lands too many of being an Asian and they are sure that I am what I actually am not. Now that is confusing, and mind boggling and what not, but so are the people who stereotype Asians to be just about everything they believe we are and nothing we actually are. Or Are we?
10. So you must be Chinese?
Oh yes sir! Absolutely! And you must be son of god to decide my nationality or have they started universal nationality under China? The most common stereotype faced by a majority of east and south-east Asians, they are presumably all Chinese. Like everything plastic and doesn’t work is Chinese too. And if god forbid you clarify that you’re not Chinese you’ll be interrupted till they get their guess right. Thank God for making me an Indian, or every time they asked me if I was Chinese, the insurance companies would have suffered losses. Never Mind!
9. So you have dark hair and your skin is a melanin factory that works overtime!
Damn! You seem like a genius. Who said blondes have minds that don’t work, it’s probably just your melanin cells. Oh or is it that the working of the cells producing melanin has a direct impact on the grey cells? Whatever be it, we’ve got dark hair and we’re proud of them, we’ve got skin you envy and that records for the revenue generated by artificial tan cosmetics all over your continents. And let me just inform you that while you get sun burnt, we absorb our dose of Vitamin D. Envious much? Don’t be. We’re Asians and you ought to be superior in some sense atleast, maybe the number of wrinkles you have at age 20?
8. Damn! You must be a helluva Karate Kid!
And you look like a punching bag to me. How did you know that I was craving to practise my favourite moves? And for your information I know Tae kwon do too. If you want a flavour? Know where does all the awesomeness fit in that petite body of ours? It’s our brains, we’re just intellectually capable enough to defend ourselves. You call it Karate? Great, we know of your intellectual skills now, we really need to record some of those to keep in the museum of good humour. Or you get what I mean? Well, if you don’t please just preserve those grey cells for the museum, will fetch you a spare penny.
7. You must be related to (Everyone ever)
Oh you’re from India? I had a friend from India too. You must be knowing him. *Shows Pictures*. Oh yes, you’re from the USA and the CEO and founder of Microsoft Bill Gates is from there too, and you’d know him for sure, how about arranging a meeting? So that’s how you need to know everyone and anyone so every time you leave Asia make sure you have Rote Learned the names of over 3 Billion Asians. And if god forbid your surname is Lee, you’d have ancestral connections to Bruce Lee, worry not… their surname has to have a Bush in them, for no other ancestors can ever make you that intelligent. Or maybe they were just cousins to Paris Hilton. Whatever.
6. You must be poor. How’s life in slums?
And you must be insane. How’s it in rehab? What made you believe that we are poor and we belong to slums except of course the Arabs in whose country you’re spending over half of your money buying liquid gold from? Will it then surprise you that most Asian countries have a debt not half as much as yours and that not all of us are poor? Maybe just poor in terms of luck of having met you, but poverty struck? We’ll handle that. And as for Life in slums it’s exactly like in the White House. You should try living there too, oh wait, they won’t take you in.
5. Oh! My sympathies, your parents must be conservative?
Oh! Thanks, just as conservative as you are dumb. Oh wait! Were you looking for provocative? Not really. We are liberated and yet tied down by morals and cultures but that necessarily does not mean that our parents our conservative. They just make sure we follow the code of conduct required of us at a certain place and time. And to your surprise, luxury lingerie has its biggest market in supposedly most conservative middle-east Asia. And at least we are aware of what our parents expect of us, you probably remember the last time you spoke to yours.
4. Brilliant! It’s your actors who dance around trees
And it’s yours who look like aliens in blue who turn pink every now and then? Our actors do much beyond dancing around trees but yours are too busy doing drugs or divorcing or re marrying, but that’s alright, we love them nevertheless and you’ll still get a market in Asia. Or wait… It’s you who has paid their pockets out to see our actors dancing around trees. No? Well, were not all blondes the same?
3. You ought to marry in your own community! Right?
Yeah! Like you ought to marry that orangutan in the zoo in your town, because if you don’t they’ll probably boycott you from society. We are just as much allowed to marry you as a person within our own community or of our own nationality, it’s just that you lose out on all your chances when you ask questions like these. And hey! You’re invited to my wedding with a man from your nation, just that he is human and not Asian or American or European.
2. You’re Asian! You got to be a Math genius
And you must be a fortune teller to tell that? And well You’re American, you must be a college drop out. We’re math genius enough to not pain you enough to use the calculator for basic calculations but beyond being a math genius, we’re all rounders and you mustn’t forget we know Karate too. But seriously people, you believe that Asians are all doctors and Engineers and that we’re bound to be a math genius, glad for the respect but you realize you’ve been humming a lot of our music too?
1. Oh! You might suck at English? How do they pronounce this back home?
Like you are multi- lingual and you know all our languages. And it has taken me IELTS or TOEFL to qualify for my Visa to your nation but we’re generous and we won’t ask you to learn our language when travelling to ours. But do us a favour? Mighty please, don’t ask us how we pronounce your words home because we do exactly like you do, unless you meant how do we say it in our language! Never mind but you’d have to practise all night to speak that right, or maybe it’s better to leave it there. You can rather try and gain expertise at your own language like we do at yours.